Relationships

When Boaz Turns out to be a Dumbaz

The year was 2011.

She was at the best time in her life. She had finally met her man and things had finally worked out for them to be together. They married. Together, they had two kind-of-beautiful-children (because all children are beautiful, right? Wrong). She was at the top of the world. She was adored, effortless, a mom, a wife, and everything seemed to be falling into place.

Then something happened. News made its way back to her that her husband, who in my opinion wasn’t that cute anyways, had cheated on her with an, of course, less beautiful woman. I mean, I guess that doesn’t matter, but it kinda is nice to know the person that your ex picked is hideous next to you. There’s this sort of “soothing balm” that comes with knowing that the person they cheated with looks like an ostrich who wandered in the rain for 12 days. So after the ostrich cheating incident, she watched her world crumble. She watched the man- the man who had completed her in every way possible- walk out of her life. She was left alone, trying to figure life out. It was devastating for all of us.

Of course, you all know who I’m talking about and I will never forget the moment when I heard that Marc Anthony cheated on Jennifer Lopez. We (yes we) will never forgive him for that. I felt like I had personally been cheated on. I was upset. Hurt. Pissed, even.

Previously, I chatted with you all about Boaz being the man of our dreams. If you haven’t read that article, you can read it here. And now we deal with the all too often realized scenario of “Wow…he’s kind of an idiot.” Now ladies, this goes both ways, so if you’re a man reading this don’t assume that this is a man-bashing session. Anyone can be an idiot if they try hard enough. Or, some of you don’t try at all. For some of us, being an idiot comes very naturally. 

When I decided to do a follow-up post, I didn’t want it to be a feel-good one. I don’t know; it’s not like I don’t enjoy feeling good. I just think that there are so many feel-good posts out there for us and not enough honest posts. I wanted to be honest. I wanted to express what so many of us spend days thinking about. 

So if we’re being honest, let’s be brutally honest. Sometimes life is really messy and not in an I-just-ate-this-delicious-cinnamon-roll-and-my-hands-are-so-messy kind of messy. More like, I-am-shaped-like-a-cinnamon-roll-somebody-please-love-me kind of messy. It’s okay to admit that we aren’t perfect. In fact, it’s downright amazing to admit that.

Unfortunately, especially for women, we live in a culture where we are constantly trying to outdo each other, whether we realize it or not. We’re knitting, organic-ing, deglutenizing (a word I just made up), buying fresh flowers every day to post on instagram, and DIYing the crap out of things. And this is all done to show everyone how in control we are. We are striving for control in every aspect. So yeah, it’s super tough when the one thing that you thought was a “sure thing” turns out to be a “messy thing.” 

So what do you do? What do you do when your Boaz turns out to be a dumbaz? Or a Lazyaz? Or a Cheatingaz? What do you do when the person that you placed all of your hope and your trust in turns out to be the absolute wrong person for you?

Well first things first, you cry. A lot. That’s normal. Don’t feel dumb for that. Honestly, don’t ever feel dumb for being emotionally moved by life. I am an emotional person and it’s frustrating to me when people make me feel silly for it. Besides, I would rather be moved by the emotional moments in life than never be moved by anything at all. 

But yeah, you will be hurt. Even if you’re the one who ended it, hurt feelings are inevitable. Taking it personally? Yup, that will happen, too. Second guessing every single decision you’ve ever made in your entire life is also pretty standard. Another completely normal thing and one of my personal faves is playing the “what if” game. “What if I hadn’t gone out that night? I would have never met him? Because if I never met him, I never would have loved him, and then I would have never cut my hair, and then I never would have got highlights….the list could go on and on. Listen, the “what-ifs” are stupid. Don’t play that game. Don’t do that to yourself. 

So as you may have guessed, with me being so wonderful and hilarious and charming, I have had a few relationships in my life. Some ended good, some ended bad, some I’m not sure if they actually ever officially ended, so I might still have like 3 boyfriends. I’m not here to bash any of them. Honestly, I liked them for a reason and for most of them that reason was not because I was drunk. I’ve dated a handful of really great, strong, handsome, funny, talented men. In the same way, I like to think that I am all of those things, plus more. So how did it not work out? How am I not married? How did we fall out of love or like or lust or whatever we were in?

I think for years we have greatly overcomplicated this answer, when in all actuality, the answer is pretty plain and boring. And I mean, we come up with some of the most extravagant scenarios: maybe he was married or gay or a transvestite because he did have very feminine hands… But guess what. The answer is really, really uncomplex. It didn’t work because well, we didn’t work together. We worked for a time, but not for a lifetime. “But WHYYYYY,” we ask ourselves and our friends via group text. And my response is always the same:

Will knowing the “why” help the “what now?”

So many of us claim to need closure, but what is closure besides wanting him to realize how dumb he was for screwing things up with you? Will spending 50 years analyzing every text, tweet, look, and his mom’s Facebook really help you move forward? We claim it does, but it doesn’t. It keeps us in the grip of something that no longer exists. It makes us continue to emotionally, mentally and sometimes even physically stay in that relationship. Think about that for a second.

How many of us are still living in a relationship that ended weeks, months, years ago?

What if love is just this never-ending journey, and every person that comes and goes is just propelling us that much closer to the love that God intended us to have?

I loved someone once, and it ended badly.  I spent a lot of time playing the “what if” game and wondering if I made a mistake. But what if he was just a pit stop, meant to teach me something, meant to show me something, meant to keep me going? As women, when we lose something, we take it personally. Incredibly personally. But what if we can come to the realization that it’s not personal? When will we realize that sometimes, when something doesn’t work, it’s not about us or about them, but more about the fact that it wasn’t supposed to work?

Have we ever stopped to consider that the very rejection that we face can be God’s protection? Maybe, just maybe, things don’t work out for a reason that’s a lot bigger than you. Think about the rejection in your life: maybe it’s at work, with friends, with an upcoming job, your family, your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse. What if those relationships, opportunities, or advancements are falling through because it’s the absolute worst thing for you?

Knowing this doesn’t really make it easier, and I know that it’s easy for me to sit behind a computer screen and type this out. I get that it doesn’t take away the pain, frustration, hurt, betrayal, insecurity, or feelings or abandonment. But it does give you something that can and will carry you through, if you let it.

Hope.

Hope is a beautiful thing because it makes it appearance at the darkest of times. It’s kind of like when you’re stuck in a mall with your friend who just loves the mall (we all have one. I have three) for like 5 hours, and just when you thought you were going to die, you see a sign for a Cinnabon. That’s hope. Right when life has reared it’s ugly, zit-faced head, hope swoops in and goes all Gandalf on it (YOU SHALL NOT PASS!), stopping life dead in its tracks, and allowing you some time to get a head start. Hope gives us a breather. It is the thing that keeps us going, keeps us waiting, keeps us anticipating. Hope is the cure-all. Bad things happen, but we hope for better things.

So yeah, he’s an idiot. Or you’re an idiot. Or everyone is an idiot. Not me…I’m not an idiot. (That’s why I have my own website). But, at the end of the day don’t we owe it to ourselves to say, “There’s something better. That’s why this didn’t work.” It’s not a blow to him or a blow to you, but more an acceptance of you being that much closer to what God has. When you look at it like that, not only is it easier to stomach, but it’s downright exciting.

I don’t claim to know all things, but I do know a lot of things. And this is what I know: It didn’t work out with the men in my life not because they were idiots or I was too young or because of anything else that I’ve been told, but simply because it’s not what was best for me. And in the same way, I wasn’t the best for them. It’s that simple. I don’t want good, y’all, I want best. My past boyfriends deserve the best just as much as I do. So start looking at rejection like this: it just didn’t fit. It’s an ill-fitting sweater. Take it off, fold it up, and find one that does fit. Pick our your size and the style that you like. Be specific. Because when you find the right one, not only will it fit, but it will compliment you. (Are we still talking about men here? I don’t know.)

So what do you do when your Boaz turns out to be a dumbaz?

Be vulnerable. Be honest. Don’t be afraid to cry for an appropriate amount of time (but not for like 3 years). But don’t lose hope. Don’t lose the thing that makes you YOU. Don’t spend years living in the past. Stop looking for happiness in the place that you lost it. There are millions of places where happiness lives, just waiting for you.

Go find it.


This piece was originally found on a wonderful friend, Jory’s, insightful and challenging blog. You can find the article here. And while you’re there, check out a few of the amazing things that she’s written as well!

 

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