Rants

The Facebook Friends We Despise

If there’s anything that I know about Facebook, it’s that it is possibly the most entertaining thing ever created. Where else can I see drama unfold, see love crumble before my eyes, view endless selfies, read about everybody’s day in great detail, and see people complain about their lives with such vigor? It’s truly incredible. Needless to say (as stated in the title), there are all kinds of people on Facebook that we, simply put, hate. This isn’t the kind of hate that takes place when we talk about the Donald Trump or the Pittsburgh Penguins; Instead, it’s the kind that drives us wild. I despise the Kardashians and every single thing that they stand for, but last night I was up until 2am 52 weeks deep into Khloe’s instagram feed. Why. Because we love to hate them.

Facebook users are no exception. We all know at least one of the people listed below. I know 634 of them. Enjoy.

The Chronic Game Inviter 

Example: Susan has invited you to play Farmville for the 17th time today.

If you’re like me, you’ve posted a status at one point in time that gave people the subtle hint that you are completely and utterly not wanting to play online games with them. I think mine went something like, “I would rather die than play Mafia Wars.” And here’s the worst part: It’s not even like they’re personally inviting you to play a game. They’re not saying, “Hey Leah, we’re one person short for Uno. Did you want to jump in?” NOPE. They’re sending the invite out to you and 467 of their closest friends. So now am I not only annoyed, I’m also offended.

The Couple Who Can’t Decide if They Love Eachother

Example: 

Jenny and Frank are in a relationship.

Jenny and Frank changed from “In a relationship” to “Single.”

Jenny and Frank changed from “Single” to “It’s complicated.”

Jenny and Frank changed from “It’s complicated” to “Engaged.”

Jenny and Frank changed from “Engaged” to “In a relationship.”

Jenny and Frank changed from “On a relationship” to “Single.”

Jenny and Frank changed from “Single” to “Married.”

Jenny and Frank, do us a favor and break up.

The Play-by-play Status Updater

Example: “Just sneezed and now I’m going walk into the kitchen to pour a glass of water from my Brita filtration system, and after that I’ll probably walk to the den and sit on the couch but I’m going to take off the pillows because they hurt my back. -feeling informative.”

These people aren’t annoying as much as I don’t know that they understand Facebook. You are not an announcer for the social media olympics. Stop it.

The Pinterest Mom

Example: “Just made these triple chocolate gluten free non-dairy muffins from scratch while my kids sculpted the Mona Lisa out of homemade play dough made from fair trade flour! It was all such a breeze!!!” 

If Pinterest is anything, it’s not a breeze. People take these complicated recipes and ideas and make it look like anyone could do it. Let’s face it, some moms are great at this complicated crap. But your non-stop posts of the paintings that your kids have done from oil-based acrylics that you just “whipped up” using like dirt, organic coconut oil, and Tahitian banana chips are making us feel like huge buttheads. And then when the rest of us not so fabulous women actually work up the courage to get all of the kids together and make something, it turns out horrible and you feel like the world’s worst aunt. Yes, that’s bitterness talking. And whoever posted those pictures of the homemade heart bird feeders, they sucked and didn’t work. AT ALL.

The Funny Status Killer

Example: *STATUS: “I will die if I don’t get a piece of pizza in my stomach this second.”  *COMMENTER: “You know Leah, people really can die from eating pizza. It’s a struggle for people. You really should be more sensitive.”

If this is you, you’re probably INCREDIBLY offended right now, but you have a right to know that you’re a funny status killer. I will not let you live in denial any longer. You are the one that kills the moment. You are the pebble in my shoe. You are the reminder to workout when you’ve forgotten and it’s the end of the day.

Nobody likes it.

Final thoughts: I love my facebook friends, but sometimes I don’t like you. And I love you enough to tell you. You’re welcome.

 

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