The Single Kringle

I love Christmas. Gosh, I love Christmas. I love when Target brings out all of their wrapping paper. I love the first snow and the cold, crisp air. I love the red Starbucks cups (don’t be crazy, Christians), I hate baking, but I love eating cookies, and I love Lifetime Christmas movies. I’m insane for the holidays.

But can I be honest with y’all? For many of us single peeps, the holidays can be a tough time of year. One of the most frustrating “holiday moments” for me happens at holiday gatherings where the first question I’m asked is, “So, are you dating anyone?” I mean, I guess it’s better than my grandma’s annual question of, “Have you gained weight? You look…fuller.” Thanks, grandma. 

Way back in high school I made up a fake boyfriend named Andrew Manzelli to make a guy jealous. I’m thinking about resurrecting Andrew Manzelli for the holidays. (Please note, if anyone actually knows Andrew Manzelli, please tell him I say hi and to hit me up asap since we’ve technically been dating for 15 years).

So today, sad single elves, we are going to talk about the 5 most common scenarios that have plagued me during the holiday season.

We are going to include an incredibly emotional response that would be fun to say, but maybe isn’t the best choice. (But could definitely cause some Christmas chaos, which in my opinion, is always kind fun). And then we are going to end by receiving some solid advice about how to get through it without being escorted out of the family party by Uncle Frank. Let’s get started.


 

SCENARIO #1

It’s your work Christmas party. You are somehow caught under the mistletoe with Ed from sales for the 5th time tonight. **Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Emotional response: You’re lonely. Ed is lonely. Pass the hopefully-spiked eggnog. Let’s make out.

What you should do: Chop down the mistletoe with an axe. Or, with Axe body spray…whichever is closer. Do not give into Ed’s Decembeard or his adorable ugly sweater. Make a beeline for the nearest h’orderves station and make friends with some veggie pizza. Or do what I do: Take a fake phonecall: “Hey Mom…slow down,  I can’t hear you.” But whatever you do, PUT DOWN the wine. That will not help in this situation.

Added Bonus: Veggie pizza has so many vegetables on it that it’s virtually a salad and is guilt free. Go ahead, have a 4th slice. You’ve earned it. Yes, not making out with someone at your Christmas party is actually a huge accomplishment, believe it or not. 


 SCENARIO #2

You’re unmarried, so people keep trying to sit you at the kids’ table.

Emotional response: Let it slip that Santa isn’t real. They’ll never seat you with the toddlers again.

What you should do: Let me vent for a minute. I was finally invited to the adult table a mere 4 years ago. Because of my lack of significant other, I have been grouped with 4-year-olds to 15-year-olds, many of whom ironically enough HAVE a significant other. So yeah, that’s been super exciting. But, in this scenario of complete self-awareness that you are alone and also not yet an adult, I say have fun with it. You have an opportunity to not spend the entire dinner talking about Donald Trump. Carpe Diem the crap out of that.

Added Bonus: Kids usually have first access to the food line. Take a lot of cheesy potatoes for revenge. 


SCENARIO #3

Everyone says, “I bet by this time next year, you’ll be married!”

Emotional response: Calmly say, “I bet by this time next year you’ll be 20 pounds heavier!”

What you should do: Well, we have a few options here. You could burst into tears. That normally shuts people up. You could say that you’re seeing someone, but he couldn’t make it because he’s an orthadox Jew. (Ed from Sales, obviously).  Or you could borrow my fake boyfriend, Andrew Manzelli. I have a stock photo picture of him. Let me know if you need me to laminate it for your wallet. OR, you could be rational (unlike me), and just reply with a very polite, “We’ll see!” I’d probably go with the Jewish boyfriend, though. I would say that’s your best bet, honestly. If your family has a problem with it, simply calmly remind them that you are all gathered to celebrate a Jewish child. 

Added Bonus: Nobody wants people to cry on Christmas. If you have to fake cry, you will definitely get first crack at the dessert buffet. Let’s all cry! 


 

SCENARIO #4

You have to buy Christmas gifts for individuals, but only get one gift from couples.

Emotional response: Boycott gift giving like a good Christian would.

What you should do: For what feels like millions of years, couples have received individual gifts from singles, and have responded by purchasing one gift as a “from us” type of thing. What the crap is this witchcraft? I don’t want a “from us gift.” I want a gift from each of you. Why? Because I’m single and lonely and gifts are all that I have to keep me company on cold nights. Because I want to knit a blanket out of the gift cards I receive to warm my cold, empty heart. Because I can’t afford cute date clothes and “do you want me looking like a homeless person on my dates?

Need an exciting solution? Ask for tickets to events, concerts, or sporting events that you want to go to. They’ll be forced to buy you two tickets. This plan is so ingenious that I’m actually impressed with myself.

Added Bonus: If you direct your friends and family to this article, they will undoubtedly catch the hint and shower you with gifts for Christmas. 


 

SCENARIO #5

Uncle Frank keeps emailing you promo codes for Match.com’s holiday specials.

Emotional response: Create a profile for Uncle Frank on Farmersonly.com.

What you should do: Listen y’all, last time I was on Match.com I got matched up with two very special guys: 1) This incredibly handsome, yet very emotional man from Pittsburgh, who literally wept on the phone when he told me about seeing a dead dog on the side of the road. I’m not kidding. Wept. 2) My cousin. How to respond? Ask Uncle Frank if he has any promo codes for a wine club of the month.

Added Bonus: If you do decide to take advantage of Match’s holiday deals, just know that going out with any guy is better than dating your cousin.


 

So here’s the bottom line…Christmas can suck big time. And hey, New Years can too. But they suck only if we allow them to. It’s hard to be alone, especially when you see other couples who are nauseatingly adorable and make you want to puke all of the eggnog from your holiday party into the perfectly white, romantic snow. Gag me. 

So what can you do to keep the holidays from being lonely? Believe that you, as you are, are enough. Become happy with yourself. See yourself with value and purpose. Give yourself the gift of giving yourself a break. Don’t look down on yourself. Give the same amount of love to yourself that you so freely lavish on others during this season.

But most of all, remember that each day is a new day with new opportunities for love in all forms. Don’t let your days be ruined by an idea: I’ll always be alone, I’ll never find love, or I’ll never be loved the way that I want to be loved.  Instead, fill your head with ideas of the way God sees you:

Completely and absolutely worth it.

Ed from sales would agree.

This piece was originally found on a wonderful friend, Jory’s, insightful and challenging blog. You can find the article here. And while you’re there, check out a few of the amazing things that she’s written as well!

Hi! I'm Leah. I love writing. Honest, awkward, vulnerable writing. I want to connect with you, so I hope that my writing does just that. Reminder: You are enough. As is.

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